


i tried to get it off my mind, to leave it all behind

by ghostadventurespiritorb (LadyScientist)



Series: su oneshots [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Connie Maheswaran Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dialogue Heavy, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Post-Episode: s06e20 The Future, Secrets, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, i write about change your mind way too much help, steven tells the gems what happened in white's head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27881738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyScientist/pseuds/ghostadventurespiritorb
Summary: When his nightmares won't go away, Steven decides to finally tell the gems about everything he went through on his trips to Homeworld.Title from "rue" by girl in red
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Series: su oneshots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2175645
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	i tried to get it off my mind, to leave it all behind

**Author's Note:**

> I remember you couldn't stop crying  
> You found me when I thought I was dying  
> Believe me when I say  
> I tried so hard to change  
> All the crazy shit I made you do  
> The long nights you held me through  
> Believe me when I say  
> I could never be saved  
> Be saved

The first night after, he’d told himself that pain was a temporary thing. He’d felt pain before, whether the aching that came after being stepped on by a diamond that had to weigh as much as his house, having his body want to burst in the vacuum of space, or his feet blistering on the lava-hot flagstones of Bismuth’s forge. Hell, his powers had made him share the pain of a billion tortured gem shards’ agony. 

Pain wasn’t supposed to stick with you. The memories stayed but the pain faded, that’s how it always happened. Then again, he’d never been  _ torn completely in half by shining black nails that stabbed into his flesh _ before, and the whole  _ point _ of nightmares was to replay the worst events in your life in vivid detail every night! That’s perfectly normal! He was fine! 

Steven’s memories were sharp, clear, and far too bright. Just like White Diamond’s face when she’d almost killed him and smiled above as his life force drained away with every weakening beat of his failing heart.

He could place every photon of White’s face as she taunted him ( _ this has gone on long enough, it’s time to come out _ ), he could paint each moment of Connie helplessly dragging him across the floor.

He wished he couldn’t, of course, because each night for weeks on end, he found himself reliving that torture.

Connie’s dreams were panicked and blurred, horror and terror stitched together with adrenaline-rushed veins in a patchwork quilt of memories, and filled with sound.

White Diamond’s gaslighting and taunts, Steven’s screams of agony, his body slamming into the ground from a hundred feet up that, had she not been starved in that tower for the previous few days, would’ve had her retching on the polished floor.

His voice wavering, weak and unsteady, the echoing footsteps of the other half and that  _ scream _ , that scream that had her on her knees, her ears ringing and Steven’s teeth clenched as he tried to hide his pain from her.

It was when they were together that the nightmares all but ceased, or lightened, at the very least. Often, Connie would meet Steven at whatever middle-of-nowhere motel he was staying at for the night, Lion providing an easy hop to wherever he happened to be. It would  _ technically _ be a room with two beds, she’d tell her parents. Of course, they’d share a bed anyway, letting the other remain a ward against the memories.

It wasn't uncommon for one to wake from a nightmare (usually one of that day in White’s head, but Steven’s nightmares were more varied, sometimes a collage of  _ everything _ ) and startle the other awake. The awakened would immediately jump to a rogue gem attack or a relapse to corruption, steeling themself for a late-night battle in a panic.

Having each other made the dark nights easier, at least.

Steven still hadn’t told the gems about it. It’d been years! He was fine now! (He was sure as shards that that was a lie after everything that he’d said, done, become.) He hadn’t even told his therapist. (She knew almost everything else that kept his dreams terrifying, what was the harm in leaving one thing out?)

But as the nightmares continued to plague him every night, Steven decided he  _ had _ to tell someone.

He’d already decided to spend August in Beach City, his reasoning being that it would be nice to spend his birthday back home. Connie would be there for the week of the 15th, and despite the fact that he was  _ technically _ Homeworld’s prince, the party was very small, just the Crystal Gems (including Lapis, Peridot, and Bismuth, of course), Greg, and Connie.

Steven talked to Connie the day after, working up the courage to finally tell the gems what had happened back on Homeworld. Both trips were worth finally sharing, they decided, although Steven had already discussed the Trial and Lars’s death with his therapist over Woosh calls.

The following afternoon, Connie hinted that Steven wanted to tell them something that evening. Greg and the gems sat down on the living room couch, and Steven, sitting opposite on the coffee table, held Connie’s hand in his own and began.

“The first time I went to Homeworld, after I… after I gave myself up, the Diamonds put me on trial, and, well, I confessed to shattering Pink. Blue… From the look on her face, if Lars and I hadn’t escaped, I don’t want to think about what she would’ve done. And… we were fighting these drones, shattering robonoids, they wanted to destroy the Off Colors– Lars was on one that exploded… I didn’t just heal him from some big injury, he was  _ dead _ . I saw him die, right in front of me, and all I could think was that it should’ve been me. That’s why he’s pink now.”

The gems looked mildly concerned, but they clearly wanted to hold back a more extreme reaction to let him finish. He took a deep breath and continued.

“The first time we all went to Homeworld together– something… something happened when White was controlling all of you. When she blasted everyone to the ground, the only reason I knew you weren’t, I don’t know,  _ dead _ or something was that I’d seen the same thing happen to Blue and Yellow earlier. I still didn’t have anything to make me think it wasn’t, like, permanent, but I didn’t even have time to worry about getting you back, because White started saying all this stuff about being perfect, and how she wanted everyone to be flawless like her.

“Connie showed up, but she wasn’t expecting to have to fight you. Pearl kept her from getting to me, and she fought really well! but Pearl knocked her sword away and grabbed her.

“I tried to run forward to help. Garnet and Amethyst pulled me back. White used them to say all this awful stuff about Mom. She– she wouldn’t believe I wasn’t her. And I guess… that’s why she did what she did next. She wanted Pink back so bad…”

He noticed that his breathing was coming fast, and he really didn’t want to go pink right now, so he closed his eyes and squeezed Connie’s hand extra-tight.

“She… she reached down and grabbed me. Really tight – I couldn’t move or anything. Connie screamed – I think she knew what was going to happen before I did. I remember it more vividly than anything else that’s ever happened to me.

“She said ‘Now, Starlight, this has gone on long enough,’ and she pulled my shirt back – to show my gem. That’s when I realized what she was going to do. Then she was all, ‘This has gone on long enough, it’s time to come out,’ and she… she dug her nails under my gem and she started to  _ pull _ .”

Gasps came from the gathered gems, but he kept going.

“Connie screamed – Pearl was making her watch – and I probably did too, at some point. It hurt a lot, more than anything else. It was like she was tearing apart every single cell in my body at once. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I thought I was going to die. I remember realizing that Connie was going to have to see whatever happened to me after she tore me apart, and wishing I’d told her not to watch. I felt the moment my gem came out. It was like something deep inside me just suddenly snapped. Like… someone had torn open my chest and pulled out my heart. That isn’t too far off of a metaphor, actually: it was so, so much more than if I’d just lost a limb or something. I think I passed out right around then, because the next thing I remember is waking up in Connie’s arms on the floor. I couldn’t tell whether my body was completely numb or just in so much pain that my brain couldn’t process it, but I suspect the latter. I remember being cold– freezing cold, like I was buried in ice and letting my skin freeze off. I looked down, and I realized my gem was gone, and that  _ wrongness _ was as awful as the pain. And that’s when I noticed that White was still holding my gem. Seeing it so far away, something that should be a  _ part of me _ , just drove in the point of the fact that I might not ever see the earth again. The idea of dying out here wasn’t something  _ new _ – I fully expected it when I gave myself up to Homeworld. When I saw that White had ripped a piece away from me, it was almost like… when you get hurt, cut yourself or something, and you don’t feel it or realize how bad it is until you actually see it. 

“And – and then – it reformed. But not as Pink or Rose or anything, before you ask; it was  _ me _ . And then I realized that this is what White had stolen from me, and that I was what was stolen from him. Me? I’m not sure. I have two sets of memories, one from my dying human half and the other from the gem. So I’m a fusion, I guess. I was in two places at once, experiencing two opposites. White was furious when she saw him– me. After all that to get Pink back… human me had fallen to the ground, and when my gem yelled at White that Rose was gone (yes, Pink really is gone), it made this, like, shockwave that was so loud, the whole room shook, and it hurt a lot. That giant crater you might’ve seen when you woke up, that was me, I guess. Connie shouted my name when she saw that my gem’s yelling had hurt me, and hearing our name got my other half’s attention. I started walking towards me. I tried to drag myself to my gem. Connie picked my up and started carrying me. White really didn’t like it when I ignored her telling me – my gem – to stop walking. She kept blasting me with those eye-lasers and I used my shield, even when deflecting the light hurt the others.

“But– well, finally, I made it back. My gem had seemed emotionless and only focused on power and saving me up until Connie passed me into his arms. I suddenly felt this incredible surge of joy. I still felt my pain, but I was so full of happiness and relief that I didn’t care. And, well, I was me again.”

Once he’d started talking, had really gotten into the story, the gems had fallen into a hush. Even his description of his gem tearing free or his pink twin had hardly elicited a response from them as they realized how horribly traumatic that event had been. They hadn’t wanted him to lock his past away for a few more years if they interrupted his retelling. Now, the reactions spilled out.

Pearl was apologizing to Connie over and over again, despite the girl’s assurances that it didn’t matter because she’d only been a puppet. Amethyst’s gem glowed in anticipation of a weapon being summoned from it as she uttered a string of curses and threats to White Diamond’s name. Garnet vanished her visor, broken regrets of failed foresight as an internal conversation between her components kept her frozen. It was when Greg realized that Steven had started sobbing upon letting everything out that he pulled his son into a tight hug and swore to never let him hurt again that the other gems joined in comforting him. They stayed like that for late until the night, finally letting the past slip away to give into a brighter future.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the long wait for the next chapter of [Noise](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27532276), my ongoing fic! I was out of town for a few days and got behind on writing it, I promise it'll be updated soon! I wrote this as a way to get out of writer's block and liked how it came out, so I'm posting it! This was also an exercise in dialogue, since I tend to be bad at writing it. I hope it looks ok and that no one is too out of character!  
> And yes, this is my third fic written about CYM, I write about this episode way too much I-
> 
> A few parts towards the beginning are inspired by [(Our) Shadows Before the Dawn](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25243963) by [Novantinuum (ChromaticDreams)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChromaticDreams/pseuds/Novantinuum)
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> edit: fixed a few typos


End file.
